The Grim Old Days: Marriage

Imagine having little say in whom you would marry—and almost no practical way to leave if the marriage became miserable. In the marriage chapter of The Grim Old Days, Chelsea Follett describes a past far removed from the romance we sometimes imagine. Money, inheritance, family expectations, and a limited choice of partners often shaped the most personal decision of a person’s life.

Among elite families, children could be promised in marriage years before they understood what marriage meant. Girls sometimes became brides in their early teens. Ordinary people generally had more say, but economic necessity weighed heavily on their choices. And for women expected to obey their husbands, marriage could bring dependence with little protection against cruelty. Love existed, of course. The conditions for building a loving partnership were often unforgiving.

Even couples who found happiness could have precious little time together. Disease, war, accidents, and childbirth cut marriages short. Follett describes how early death made remarriage and blended families common in preindustrial Europe. Imagine beginning your life together knowing how easily one illness could end it. Growing old beside someone was a possibility many couples would never realize.

An unhappy marriage presented a different hardship. In eighteenth-century England, formal divorce was so costly and complicated that it was largely available only to the wealthy. Many ordinary people had few workable ways out. Remembering that history should make us appreciate the freedom to choose a partner, expect mutual respect, and make decisions about our own lives.

That freedom also gives us something to do with today. If you have someone beside you whom you love, give that relationship some deliberate care. Listen without preparing your rebuttal. Share the work. Make time to enjoy each other. We cannot assume we will have decades together, but we can decide how we treat each other today.

Choosing whom to marry is one of life’s biggest decisions. Imagine having that decision made for you—or making it mainly because you needed food, shelter, and financial security. In the marriage chapter of The Grim Old Days, Chelsea Follett describes how family interests, money, and necessity often determined whom people married. The opportunity to build a life with someone you freely chose was far from guaranteed.

Among elite families, children could be promised in marriage long before adulthood. Ordinary people generally had more choice, but poverty narrowed their options. Remaining single could mean a lifetime of dependence on relatives, especially for women. Love certainly existed, but affection alone was often not enough to make a household economically possible.

Marriage could also bring a profound loss of independence. Follett describes eighteenth-century British laws under which a husband could claim his wife’s earnings, while she faced restrictions on making contracts and other decisions. Domestic abuse often met with little meaningful protection. Formal divorce was beyond the financial reach of most ordinary people. A miserable marriage could leave someone with few ways to change their circumstances.

Even a happy marriage was fragile. Disease, accidents, war, and childbirth frequently took a spouse early. Couples who hoped to grow old together might have only a handful of years. When we imagine the weddings of the past, we tend to picture the celebration. We rarely picture the uncertainty waiting afterward—or appreciate how extraordinary decades of companionship would have seemed to so many couples.

History gives us reason to value both freedom and companionship. The freedom to choose our path, expect respect, and build a relationship as equals is worth protecting. And if you share your life with someone you love, give that person more than whatever attention remains at the end of a busy day. Ask a thoughtful question. Listen. Do something kind. The opportunity to build a good life together deserves our gratitude—and our effort.