Spouses and business

I had a long comment to Think Daily recently from someone in Ethiopia, actually, about what to do when a spouse is on a different sheet of music and does not support them.  I thought it was a good question because it’s a big issue for a goal-achieving person – and for anyone. 

“Oh my God.  He isn’t going to talk about that, is he?”  “That’s the third rail!  He’s dead meat!”

Sure.  Why not.  It’s a big issue.  Here we go!

I am qualified to make the following statements.

If you do not have a stable relationship (marriage), it will affect your ability to excel at everything else.  A spouse who does not support you, and fights you instead, making you feel bad about chasing goals and dreams, really makes it difficult.  It saps energy, motivation, and has you questioning yourself and what you do when you leave the house each day.  If you have to try to succeed in spite of this, it’s tough.

Now, this says nothing of whether you deserve the support of your spouse.  Maybe you don’t.  Some guys (girls) can be insensitive jerks.  Support, caring, and empathy go both ways.  You can’t be a taker all the time and expect unconditional love and support.  And often we have some blindness to how we are showing up in a relationship – particularly when we are married.  

(Don’t be a workaholic which is a respectable kind of addiction.  In my School of Entrepreneurship I say if you can’t figure out how to do the (leadership) job in 50 hours a week, you are doing it wrong.  How do you spell LOVE?  T-I-M-E.  Don’t mess that up.)

But let’s say you are completely lucid (you aren’t) and you have been caring and supportive of your spouse and their needs.  Let’s say you listen, and you spend enough quality time, and prioritize your relationship.  Let’s say you stand by them when they need it, and you work on yourself for them – making the changes in yourself to show you are willing to do what it takes to make things work – and they still do not want to hear about your work, do not want to do anything to help if you need it here or there, and they call work “your mistress”.

That’s tough.

I am not a marriage counselor (there are so many factors, and affairs of the heart do not have hard and fast rules), and I will stop short of giving further advice.

I will say that life is short.  Long-term unhappiness is unacceptable as far as I am concerned.

You have to make sure it is not you.  People are your mirror.  Control the controllables (yourself). You must not fail to communicate.  You have to call reality what it is and make decisions.

But clearly, a happy marriage with a supportive spouse will fuel an ambitious person in their pursuits.  People who have a happy marriage are lucky and at an advantage over others who are not.  An unhappy relationship with an unsupportive spouse will be a great weight and can negatively affect one’s health, attention, thinking, optimism, and energy.

Another thing I will say is that being in a happy, committed relationship saves a tremendous amount of effort that would otherwise be used for dating and finding a mate, which could be used for achieving goals.  I have not spent a lot of time in my life in this situation, but I am told that a lot of effort is spent by single people, and, depending on their goals in such pursuits, it can leave them feeling lost, rejected, and more alone than ever.

I do not want to make this sound like marriages are for supporting work.  Of course that is stupid.  If I had the choice of a happy marriage or a successful career, I’ll take the happy marriage.  But what about both?  You can have both.  Achievers are wired in a way.  They have to pursue goals.  A spouse who is supportive is an accellerant, rather than something to overcome each day.

If you can hear “Go get ’em Tiger!”, even if inaudible when you walk out the door, it’s a big wind at your back all day long.

Again – one needs to make sure not to take this blessing for granted, or abuse the approval – it has to go both ways.

This is what I think.  What do you think?